Pondering days and sleepless nights can only lead to trouble. A space for things that make me happy. I write, I reblog, I find things that make me happy.
TL;DR: my life seems to be crumbling around me and I’m finally getting onto a real computer where it’s more comfortable to type it all out.
So it all started on a morning 2 days before my birthday. I get a picture message from my dad of my mom’s watch and her wedding ring over a paper with a divorce heading on it, with the caption, ‘I guess it’s over’. Come to find out that it’s been in progress for a while, and that mom was waiting until after my birthday to tell me. Which was considerate, until it comes up that two of our family friends knew well before I did and the reason Dad told me when he did was because he thought that it was fair that I know something this monumental. (I’m an only child so this pretty much tears all family I know apart)
My parents had been married for 26 years. I thought they were going to break the family ‘curse’ of getting divorced… but apparently not. Now, when this all first came about, my mother gave my father some carefully scripted piece about how she hasn’t been happy for a long time and the choices that she made and lived with haven’t met up to her expectations etc. etc. I didn’t buy it for a second. Read this for a taste of why I don’t. (there was another debacle but I couldn’t handle typing it up at the time so the details are too fuzzy to remember at the moment, but it became known to the same family friends as the great scrunchie debacle) It took me a face time, no holds barred conversation to get the real reason. Surprise surprise, Mom had cheated on my dad with M, during one of her million wine excursions. (The main one to Napa actually in April). The same facetime conversation was an attempt to see if I wasn’t too mad at her to spend a day at Disneyland with her. I felt okay about going to Disney with her (let’s be fair here, how do you turn down a park hopper for free, with gas and parking paid for? Answer, you don’t). So I agreed to go to Disney with her, thinking it was going to be a chance for us to spend some time together and maybe get to a better place about the divorce and cheating and crap.
Nope. The entire time we were there, it was about what rides and things she wanted to do, water shows that she wanted to see. I didn’t get to ride space mountain, pirates, star tours…. basically any of the ones that I enjoy going on. I didn’t even get to see the fireworks. (Yes, I realize this sounds selfish and whiny, but hey, this was supposed to be my Disney visit) I did at least get cute ears and I got to ride on Indiana Jones and some others that were highly enjoyable. The biggest downside to the day was that she was texting M, the entire day. I went out of my way to keep the texting to my SO at a minimum, keeping it limited to pictures and sporadic I miss you’s. In terms of a separation from my SO, I was practically silent. While we were sitting down for lunch, she started talking about the trip that she had lied to me and my dad about. She went to Florida with M and a friend. I was trying to be polite and attentive but I was giving every indication that I was not interested in the topic she had picked.
She is lost in her own world. There is really no other way to describe where her head is at.
I was texting with her a few days ago (either I’m entirely too forgiving or I’m a glutton for punishment…. not sure), she was asking for my plans with one of my friends. No big deal, she got me the tickets for said plans. The next day, I get an invite on Dramabook, from her, to her birthday party, on the same day as my plans, at M’s house, with the lameass excuse that it was the last free Saturday she had before her work started again. I texted her as soon as I saw it… and now she pretty much doesn’t speak to me. Today I get a text from my dad asking for her, if it was okay if she was in the same spot as me for a day. I was like seriously? Are your thumbs broken? I may be upset at you, but you cowering and not trying to communicate with me, pisses me off more.
I would always rather yell and scream it out, rather than this drawn out anger and frustration. It makes me upset, gives me headaches and is just simply unnecessary.
She is my mother, but I’ve never felt supported, safe or loved. The most that she has emotionally shown that she cares is when she brought me a bottle of tequila and a belly dance outfit after one of my exes broke up with me. We’ve fought over me coming home for Christmas one year, my major in college and all sorts of ridiculous things. I brought up that I rarely felt supported in the decisions I’ve made with my life. Her defense was that it’s hard to show support in a manner other than financially. I was so flabbergasted I had no idea what to say to that.
I’m lost as to what to do. Cold aloofness has been working so far and until something changes, I think that’s all I can handle.
Okay… I know this isn’t relevant to anything I ever post, but I just discovered a new theme… and I’m super stoked to use it.
I had an wonderful person reach out to me here and it meant/means the world to me that not only can I use this space as a rant/rambling zone, but I can also have people who care about me, which right now, feels like more than I can say for most people in my life. I have an amazing big from my sorority, a classy and fabulous sister from the same sorority (yes, Erk, that’s you), a killer roommate, awesome (but away) best friend(s), and a caring guy in my life. I need to remember to be grateful for said people, even if there are temporary…. disgruntled feelings.
Overnight coming up, but lots of good on the horizon.
Go play with the random button on my new theme. It’s fun!
Oh, and sorry about the deluge of Gemini posts.. I’m just proud, what can I say?
Continued the cleaning theme today and now my front room is cleaner and my room is awesome. I still have bits of laundry to do, but hey, little steps.
I had an interesting day and I watched something to help me out of this funk I’ve been in. I just need to remember to keep working at it. I’m almost 23 and I should be enjoying life. I deserve it :) here’s to the editing job that I’m just waiting for, here’s to the awesome body to be able to write and here’s to my awesome man to share all this excitement with :) yes, every once in a while I rant about my situation, but I had forgotten the smile, the humor and the laughter that is supposed to go with it.
Well. Not anymore.
I am happy and grateful for the things that are yet to be. (Actual desires are personal and, while I can share a lot, these are my hear and soul, I want to keep them that way, and free from judgement)
Feeling pretty content with life right now. I have some stuff on my mind but nothing really that upsetting or vent worthy. I have someone who is interesting me, internships that are making me feel amazing and a job that likes me (maybe not that I like it but.. not really complaining).
Honestly the only complaint I have is that the person I like is 600 miles away. That’s easy enough to get over though because I’m seeing him in less than a month. Whoo! And he’s excited about it too. :)
My best friend drove down from Salt Lake this weekend and it has been simply amazing. My mood has gone from dark and depressed to happy and almost vomiting rainbows… She has reminded me of who I am and what I had become in slc and all the possiblities that lie ahead of me. Life is truly wonderful and I absolutely cannot wait to see what it has in store. I had an amazing BBQ, surrounded by people who care about me (a few notable absences, people being in Mexico and San Diego or elsewhere) and it is truly something that warms my heart to know that I have. I got that second wind back and man does it feel awesome :)
Okay, so I have sucked it up royally on posting anything original lately and, until I dig out my room a little more, will probably continue to suck at posting new things…. It is a little difficult from my grad present , I know #firstworldproblems but still. I have been super busy lately, between starting work again, moving back home and graduating (minor details really….). I have been to lake Powell for the first time, which was incidentally my first time camping and that was a blast. I helped my g-lit get a little smammered and that was hilarious to watch. I injured my foot and numerous other hilarious stories that you kind of had to be there for. I received an internship, link will be posted later of my writing, and I’m working on my life….
I had some sisters visit me while they were in town and that was a crazy 3 day stretch that included freemont street, the strip and TAO night club with some of my fav people, not just my sisters but my best friend here. Again, between educating one of them on YOLO and coming up with TETO… I have a ton of stories that you just need to have been there for.
I thought about including my love life thoughts up here but… I think I will pass. The people who need to know about it do, with a couple of exceptions and they will be caught up to speed ASAPly lol
Hopefully I’ll be a little more consistent about my posts and may even be including some pics soon…. We’ll see about that.
Goal tomorrow: workout.
So, I’m slightly sick but still realize that I haven’t posted one of these in forever…. So now it’s time. I have a fancy new technology to post stuff with and make my life easier and now it means that I can enjoy being an adult. Um… Yeah. Have no idea about what that entails, but here are my life goals:
Become an editor
Get back in shape
Dive lots (dive master and maybe be paid to dive)
Dance lots (continue to get paid and then even teach)
Get married (to the love of my life of course)
Have a vacation home in Aruba
Be surrounded by my family, friends and loved ones (which in theory could be all the same)
Laugh a lot
Travel the world
Now that I’m back in Vegas, I want to get back in shape and hopefully not be too bored. I’m working on a spazzy new blog that will serve no purpose but to entertain me and whomever I share it with. Right now, I miss my friends, I miss my house and I miss SLC… I will be seeing some of them soon but it’s nothing like looking at my phone at 1 am and seeing the invite to watch futurama and get Del Taco. It’s nothing like that Tuesday text offering to go to the tea grotto because there’s time between class. It’s nothing like that Friday night phone call from my big asking if I’m still awake and if I want to go to the westerner. It’s nothing like wandering into a sisters room and leave an hour later having a completely different outlook on the guy you’re dating and being so thrilled that your sister is finally dating the guy whose been giving her a year long headache. It’s nothing like playing catchphrase at the dinner table with your sisters. It’s definitely nothing like taking that searing first breath in that snowstorm and wanting to just turn right back around and go back to bed. Life in Salt lake had it’s ups and downs but right now, I would give almost anything to be back…. Which is why I want to be back there by August. Good goal. Now, preparation and followthrough….
Well, it’s been a while. A lot has happened, one thing led to another and basically it has panned out to my life being easy, boring and.. well, yeah. I’m going back to Vegas. It’s bittersweet going back to live with the fam. On one hand, I will at least have my family, my belly dance and some friends. I’ll also be going back to a place where I’ve always been in power in relationships. On the other hand, i’ll be missing all of my sisters and the people who have made my life interesting, eventful or at least drama filled. I’ve had interesting love relationships… and an interesting relationship with love. I’ve learned a lot about guys and about myself in the process and i’m not sure i ever wanted to, but now is the time to start fresh. I get to decide how my future plays out. I have no idea where I’m going to meet people to date or just around my age to hangout with but I’m excited to get started. I’m going to totally immerse myself in dance though. I’m going to take as many classes as I can with whoever I can. I’ll dabble in tribal, maybe get outfitted that way. Either way, it should be fun.
Just like I knew I would be this weekend. I had an awesome couple of days at work (by awesome, I mean basically no downtime) I had a convo with someone that helped clear things up, make things less awkward, got to spend some time with my best friend, had a photoshoot and in general there was awesomeness to be had. Now, to catch up on homework, emails and all that jazz. Yay life! :)