Pondering days and sleepless nights can only lead to trouble. A space for things that make me happy. I write, I reblog, I find things that make me happy.
After a 3 hour conversation of foot chewing, tears, ridiculous cell phone issues and anger later, we got back to a good (ish) place. We have come to terms with the fact that we are, in fact, two different people. We like different things, we have different expectations of our situations and that we ask more of different aspects. I wouldn’t mind, every once in a while, going out with friends and having a girls night. He wouldn’t. I would like to do group dates and have him meet my friends and go out dancing with him but that’s not him. It’s okay, but it also means that we need to balance each other out. We need to figure out that for him, in a heated argument, he would read or video game. I would go out, rant to my friends, get a different perspective and then come back and talk. If he could have it his way, we’d be together 24/7. I pointed out that it wasn’t reasonable, because of work and other commitments (like his damn dogs). He’d rather that all physical stimuli come from what we were born with and I definitely have a different view. I would like to think that one day we will be comfortable enough to be away from each other without a worry. Maybe we will be, but it’s a long road ahead of us and it’s tough to see the twists and turns that lie ahead of us, but I have enough faith in us and where we want to be that I’m cautiously hopeful.
It’s funny though, 3 years ago, I would have given anything for a guy to tell me that he always wanted to be around me and that having his space isn’t what he needed to be happy, and now, when I have it, I’m wary. I’m afraid that it will end the same, in tears, in heartbreak and in pain, and that’s not fair to him, or us. I want to be able to fully let go with him and trust that he will be there no matter what, but…. there’s that little what-if that speaks loudly and beats me with his stick as much as possible. Who knows, maybe it’s time to beat that fucker out. That being said, it won’t happen at least until I am (I think) confirmed in this relationship (boyfriend and girlfriend status), I did gain a step however, and I got him to agree to a facebook status update… so we’re FBO… lol not that there’s really been any change. But it sort of feels like progress. So there’s that at least.
Continued the cleaning theme today and now my front room is cleaner and my room is awesome. I still have bits of laundry to do, but hey, little steps.
I had an interesting day and I watched something to help me out of this funk I’ve been in. I just need to remember to keep working at it. I’m almost 23 and I should be enjoying life. I deserve it :) here’s to the editing job that I’m just waiting for, here’s to the awesome body to be able to write and here’s to my awesome man to share all this excitement with :) yes, every once in a while I rant about my situation, but I had forgotten the smile, the humor and the laughter that is supposed to go with it.
Well. Not anymore.
I am happy and grateful for the things that are yet to be. (Actual desires are personal and, while I can share a lot, these are my hear and soul, I want to keep them that way, and free from judgement)
So, my cell phone is more quiet than normal, which is fine because I understand why. Though, it’s been a central focus of an amazing day. I talked with my editor/president of the company I’m interning with and basically the conversation went something to the effect that I could tentatively have a job editing in the fall… which is my dream job. It’s an incredible feeling to be able to say that not only will I have a job doing something I love, but I’ll have it using my ‘useless’ degree. Useless according to my mother and let me tell you, making her eventually eat her words will be an incredible feeling and I feel super invigorated because of it. It will mean delaying moving in with honey for a bit, but at the same time, I don’t mind it because he’s super supportive of it and I’ll only be 7 hours away, instead of the 10 we are right now. Admittedly, it’s still going to be a little difficult for both of us, but we’re strong now and we’ll be stronger when it does come up. I’ll be relocating for just a year and it’ll be incredible because the weather will be wonderful and the surroundings will be new and exciting. It’ll probably be a little lonely at first, but I’ll manage because I’ll be living my dream job/career. Then after that, I’ll be able to move anywhere, which, hopefully at that time means in with him. We’ll see. I’m not counting on anything definite at the moment, but it’s going to be incredible. I absolutely cannot wait for the rest of this year to play out.
I’m not gonna lie, I was extremely un-excited about the idea of 2013, just because I’ve never really been a fan of odd numbers and usually they don’t exactly bring wonderful things for me, but this one feels different and it’s trying to show me to a point, that I really should be excited about a new year. I made myself a promise today, for after the year in Scottsdale and I’m writing it to remind myself of it.
Right now, however, I’m procrastinating on a women’s basketball story that I should be writing but I just have no motivation for it, probably because I could care less about basketball in general. I tend to look at it as the no man’s land between baseball season and football season. I know that they are awesome athletes and I respect what they do, it just doesn’t interest me. I get as bored with basketball games as most people get with baseball games… which interest me a great deal more oddly enough.
Maybe it’s almost too fast paced for me. Maybe it doesn’t seem like a challenge to me. I don’t know what it is but I can’t get behind basketball. Football, hell yeah, baseball, no question… basketball, crickets. Okay, now that that’s out of my system, maybe I can go write. Ha.
Okay, so I’m not doing my daily yoga and I feel guilty about not doing it today so I figured I would blog twice and at least have that in my favor. My cat came down to cuddle with me so my evening is looking up. I would prefer to have the one who stole my heart cuddling with me, but alas, at the moment it isn’t meant to be. I am also trying to rationalize coming back down to live in Vegas. It’s going to be difficult to live with my parents again, and I really don’t fancy telling mom that I’ve decided not to pursue the peace corps….. But it’s my life. I’ll move in, take up belly dancing again, work, save some money and hopefully, be able to move out by years end, if not sooner. That will out me within 4 hours of honey, and much awesomeness in Cali and only 6 hours away from my awesome friends, who I will try to visit… If they want me to.
Considering my previous post about drunk mom, I am not rushing to move in at the moment, but I still see it as a viable option…. I just have to discuss it with her…. Yeah. That will be fun………. Not.
Kitty cuddles improve life immensely.
Love is a drug.
Just thought it was a catchy tune.
As I lay here tonight, I thought of you, not the first time I’ve ever done it, certainly won’t be the last as you have haunted my life for far too long now.
2010. Thought it was going to be magical, turned into a living hell.
I’m surviving now. Maybe living. Not really sure. We’ve talked, had sex and joked since but I know it will never be anything. That dream has sailed/died/starved. Whatever your classy metaphor is for something ending. It’s not what I want.
I want that all encompassing happiness.
I want that joy, that freedom and the unabashed glow that comes from someone finally letting another in. In their heart.
I’ve come to realize that I am paranoid about never having it again, much like a junkie coming down off his high. I miss feeling that warm thrum through my veins as you looked at me with love and compassion. I miss the understanding.
I just want to walk away from those memories and never recover them. Not because the end hurt so much, but because I lost my source, my hit.
I sleep, sometimes. When I can tell myself that I don’t need it, that it doesn’t come up. But there are physical repercussions for ignoring what your body is telling you it needs.
It’s terrible to compare myself to an addict when I don’t truly have the experience with it, but what other way can it be described. Every time I get close to the feeling or get a taste of it, you come flooding back and my body has a reflex, back to the way things were.
I don’t want your opinion or approval on my life, you have no say, nor do you want one.
What I want is my drug back or the addiction banished. When the addiction is love though, it’s nearly impossible to want that out of your life.
So, for now, I keep tirelessly searching for your replacement or the improvement or even the new addiction.
Where ever that is.
Typing while a cat is walking across you is very difficult, though adorable, because that means that he’s finally paying attention to me, which, for my cat, is pretty remarkable. I feel like I’ve been slacking here lately, but that’s because a lot of what’s going on is mental jumping jacks. Some is relationship thinking, but there has been enough boy drama on here so I’ll leave it to the people who are involved and everyone else can ask me straight up :)
I have been in the application ongoing for something significant since about… October/November(?) and I have finally been told where I could be going. Now comes the inner debate on what I should do. Because accepting it would mean potentially loosing all my hard work at the internship that has been incredible for me, not only because I’ve been able to rub it in my mom’s face but because I am doing something I am actually interested in and could (and probably will) lead to my dream job of editing.The question becomes: what should I do?Should I stay in the US and pursue my internship/ dream job or should I take off to Eastern Europe for 27 months?
Rather, Guidelines for my future husband:
-Brushes teeth daily
-Can identify a baseball
-Gainfully employed (amended to potentially gainfully employed when I argued I was in the young poor and broke stage of my life)
-Doesn’t walk on his toes
Thanks mom… That narrows it down to… almost half the male population. Days like this, I wonder how we are even related. It would be nice to have these things, but it’s not really at the forefront of my mind. I kinda have different standards of what I want in a guy or at least what would get me to agree to marry him, and that pretty much has nothing to do with how someone looks. Looks are an added bonus, but they all fade eventually. I’m not going to marry Dorian Grey… so that whole looks part, not a huge requirement in my book. Though there are certain expectations.
So, I’ve been fully home for a week, and I’ve come to a conclusion. I want back to the world of friends, Kappa and Utah sports. I miss my friends, I miss my sisters and being busy. I miss having th option of going out and hanging out with my best friend, my big or my sisters… I wish I had been there for my little’s homecoming. I need to be back and busy. I love my family but… We do better 500 miles away. A lot better.
I still need to get the job in SLC before I can go back, but it’s now just a case of applying until I get it.
Okay. Enough of the woe is me bs.
I get to see my best friend in 8 days, had a good night last night. I turn 22 soon, get to go to San Diego and have a cruise upcoming. Life’s good, I just don’t like being lonely.
Okay, so I have sucked it up royally on posting anything original lately and, until I dig out my room a little more, will probably continue to suck at posting new things…. It is a little difficult from my grad present , I know #firstworldproblems but still. I have been super busy lately, between starting work again, moving back home and graduating (minor details really….). I have been to lake Powell for the first time, which was incidentally my first time camping and that was a blast. I helped my g-lit get a little smammered and that was hilarious to watch. I injured my foot and numerous other hilarious stories that you kind of had to be there for. I received an internship, link will be posted later of my writing, and I’m working on my life….
I had some sisters visit me while they were in town and that was a crazy 3 day stretch that included freemont street, the strip and TAO night club with some of my fav people, not just my sisters but my best friend here. Again, between educating one of them on YOLO and coming up with TETO… I have a ton of stories that you just need to have been there for.
I thought about including my love life thoughts up here but… I think I will pass. The people who need to know about it do, with a couple of exceptions and they will be caught up to speed ASAPly lol
Hopefully I’ll be a little more consistent about my posts and may even be including some pics soon…. We’ll see about that.
Goal tomorrow: workout.
So, I’m slightly sick but still realize that I haven’t posted one of these in forever…. So now it’s time. I have a fancy new technology to post stuff with and make my life easier and now it means that I can enjoy being an adult. Um… Yeah. Have no idea about what that entails, but here are my life goals:
Become an editor
Get back in shape
Dive lots (dive master and maybe be paid to dive)
Dance lots (continue to get paid and then even teach)
Get married (to the love of my life of course)
Have a vacation home in Aruba
Be surrounded by my family, friends and loved ones (which in theory could be all the same)
Laugh a lot
Travel the world
Now that I’m back in Vegas, I want to get back in shape and hopefully not be too bored. I’m working on a spazzy new blog that will serve no purpose but to entertain me and whomever I share it with. Right now, I miss my friends, I miss my house and I miss SLC… I will be seeing some of them soon but it’s nothing like looking at my phone at 1 am and seeing the invite to watch futurama and get Del Taco. It’s nothing like that Tuesday text offering to go to the tea grotto because there’s time between class. It’s nothing like that Friday night phone call from my big asking if I’m still awake and if I want to go to the westerner. It’s nothing like wandering into a sisters room and leave an hour later having a completely different outlook on the guy you’re dating and being so thrilled that your sister is finally dating the guy whose been giving her a year long headache. It’s nothing like playing catchphrase at the dinner table with your sisters. It’s definitely nothing like taking that searing first breath in that snowstorm and wanting to just turn right back around and go back to bed. Life in Salt lake had it’s ups and downs but right now, I would give almost anything to be back…. Which is why I want to be back there by August. Good goal. Now, preparation and followthrough….
Well, it’s been a while. A lot has happened, one thing led to another and basically it has panned out to my life being easy, boring and.. well, yeah. I’m going back to Vegas. It’s bittersweet going back to live with the fam. On one hand, I will at least have my family, my belly dance and some friends. I’ll also be going back to a place where I’ve always been in power in relationships. On the other hand, i’ll be missing all of my sisters and the people who have made my life interesting, eventful or at least drama filled. I’ve had interesting love relationships… and an interesting relationship with love. I’ve learned a lot about guys and about myself in the process and i’m not sure i ever wanted to, but now is the time to start fresh. I get to decide how my future plays out. I have no idea where I’m going to meet people to date or just around my age to hangout with but I’m excited to get started. I’m going to totally immerse myself in dance though. I’m going to take as many classes as I can with whoever I can. I’ll dabble in tribal, maybe get outfitted that way. Either way, it should be fun.
There are points in life where you just have so much shit going on that you give up trying to sleep through it. Your mind is racing trying to figure the solution out, trying to fix whatever’s hurting you. The problem is, inevitably, you come to one of three conclusions: 1) it’s all your fault. Whatever happened, it somehow comes back to something you can do better or different. 2) It’s all their fault. Whoever you are upset by, you want to blame them or blame someone else for something they did. Somehow it’s all their fault. and finally, the solution that gets overlooked and that no one wants to admit that probably is true 3) partial blame. Both parties somehow have gotten themselves into the predicament that is causing at least one person to have a sleepless night.
This aside, I’m done with hurting and being opened up to pain. I’ve been enjoying the thought of staying in my current city, but.. it’s really hard to even see a point to it. At the same time I know I shouldn’t base my happiness on one person or one experience. I know this probably way too well. I’ve been learning this for 2 years now. What can I say? I’m a slow learner. Well at least I have a clearer vision of what I want in life. I want to travel. I want to have my belly dance strong and sturdy to catch me when I fall.
Go on the belly dance cruise
Go to a game and see Chipper play
Compete in belly dance competitions
Take lessons from Aradia
Get that six pack
Get a workout routine
Find a job I love
Material possessions fulfilled
Just like I knew I would be this weekend. I had an awesome couple of days at work (by awesome, I mean basically no downtime) I had a convo with someone that helped clear things up, make things less awkward, got to spend some time with my best friend, had a photoshoot and in general there was awesomeness to be had. Now, to catch up on homework, emails and all that jazz. Yay life! :)
I realized yesterday as several of my annoyance buttons were hit, that I get frustrated a lot easier when I’m tired. hmmmm