Pondering days and sleepless nights can only lead to trouble. A space for things that make me happy. I write, I reblog, I find things that make me happy.
I had a supportive or even pretending to be supportive mother. I wish she gave two shits about my life or was proud of my accomplishments. I wish I could brag about the cheesy bacon bombs or the pretzel dogs I made and be met with a I want to try it or you should make some of that here or feel free to try something in our kitchen. Instead, I have a lower self esteem and a mother who’s a fat annoying bitch who doesn’t respect anything I do or try. Whatever.
So frustrated right now. I’m trying to figure out exactly why I am frustrated. Especially considering my recent upturn in life. I am going to be an editor starting in August, I get to leave my hell of a retail job and it means a new wardrobe (that my mother so graciously helped shape) and a relocation. It’s awesome. But I have a little rain cloud that seems to hover over me at the moment, in the shape and likeness of my boyfriend. I deal with his trust issues, I deal with his insecurities and I deal with a lot more than I have ever tolerated in previous boyfriends. Admittedly I was a lot more shallow back then, but neither here nor there.
But when he says stuff like, ‘I’m not sure you can handle this problem’ or ‘You have enough on your plate right now’, it makes me feel like walking away from all of it.
Admittedly, I’m probably to the point where some of my exes have found themselves, which is kind of struggling for my attention. This seems to be the pivotal point for me, because most times it signals the end. I’m not necessarily fighting it, but I’m trying to look for reasons not to walk away.
I do love him. I honestly do.
I’m just frustrated. This isn’t the guy that I first fell for, this is the insecure guy who keeps presenting himself to me and then throwing up walls that shouldn’t be there. I know, I know, I’m not going to get it all at once. I really do. It takes time for someone to get to be comfortable, secure and open up. I am very much that way. I don’t tell you everything right off the bat, but I don’t leave major surprises for you to find. I am myself throughout and I hopefully give reasons for you to stick around.
That being said, an addiction should not be something I am finding out about 9 months later. And it should definitely not be hinted at and then the conversation’s location change to where you can’t talk about it. Don’t leave me here to guess what you are about to drop in my lap. It’s a bad idea to leave me alone and thinking. It scares me.
Which is probably why it is so frustrating. I don’t do scared. I meet it head on, get the terror out of the way and then I’m good.
My fears, so we are clear, are falling from tall heights, any scary or pseudo scary movie (Zombieland is the tamest scary that I can handle and it still gave nightmares) and seriously demented roller coasters. My other great fear is loneliness.
I’m sure my brain can come up with more but I think it should be kept on a leash, which is probably why my imagination is slightly stunted. But that’s another story.
Oh goody, he’s started a text convo over it…. Here goes nothing.
Missed a day, I think, and kinda not really in the talkative mood lately. Miss him, want to be us and stuff but can’t seem to make it happen. Found out I have 2 days off work for New Years. Probably going to be spending them alone or maybe in Vegas. Trying to fight off my depression with life in general. I hate snow/winter time here, but it is damn near impossible to fight off SAD for me so that is an added bonus with my life problems at the moment. Let myself break down for a bit today with no one around and that was relieving. I need to pick up more on my resolutions. Writing everyday almost… Yoga, not as much. Working on that though. It’s just so damn cold I don’t want to do anything.
Goodbye is a very hard thing for me right now. It ends something. It means a thought, a feeling, a conversation is ending. Not usually forever, but for a time and in that time, I’m back to alone, back to solo, because everything I care about seems to be elsewhere. My heart, soul, passion, desire, comfort is alls elsewhere. Detached from my being. It is still part of me, but the focus has changed, moved, melded.
But goodbyes are also a happy moment as well. Not the happiest in the world and certainly not happier than seeing him on Skype, but happy in the fact that each goodbye brings us closer. It brings us inexorably nearer to each other. In a strange way, I am grateful for the goodbyes that I have to say now, because it will be less goodbyes that I have to say later.
I always hurt when the Cali Utah connection is closed for the night and we are attempting slumber… But I have to remind myself that the pain is only temporary. That it’s good because it means I feel something, finally.
Damn is it hard though.
So, I’ve been fully home for a week, and I’ve come to a conclusion. I want back to the world of friends, Kappa and Utah sports. I miss my friends, I miss my sisters and being busy. I miss having th option of going out and hanging out with my best friend, my big or my sisters… I wish I had been there for my little’s homecoming. I need to be back and busy. I love my family but… We do better 500 miles away. A lot better.
I still need to get the job in SLC before I can go back, but it’s now just a case of applying until I get it.
Okay. Enough of the woe is me bs.
I get to see my best friend in 8 days, had a good night last night. I turn 22 soon, get to go to San Diego and have a cruise upcoming. Life’s good, I just don’t like being lonely.
So, I’m slightly sick but still realize that I haven’t posted one of these in forever…. So now it’s time. I have a fancy new technology to post stuff with and make my life easier and now it means that I can enjoy being an adult. Um… Yeah. Have no idea about what that entails, but here are my life goals:
Become an editor
Get back in shape
Dive lots (dive master and maybe be paid to dive)
Dance lots (continue to get paid and then even teach)
Get married (to the love of my life of course)
Have a vacation home in Aruba
Be surrounded by my family, friends and loved ones (which in theory could be all the same)
Laugh a lot
Travel the world
Now that I’m back in Vegas, I want to get back in shape and hopefully not be too bored. I’m working on a spazzy new blog that will serve no purpose but to entertain me and whomever I share it with. Right now, I miss my friends, I miss my house and I miss SLC… I will be seeing some of them soon but it’s nothing like looking at my phone at 1 am and seeing the invite to watch futurama and get Del Taco. It’s nothing like that Tuesday text offering to go to the tea grotto because there’s time between class. It’s nothing like that Friday night phone call from my big asking if I’m still awake and if I want to go to the westerner. It’s nothing like wandering into a sisters room and leave an hour later having a completely different outlook on the guy you’re dating and being so thrilled that your sister is finally dating the guy whose been giving her a year long headache. It’s nothing like playing catchphrase at the dinner table with your sisters. It’s definitely nothing like taking that searing first breath in that snowstorm and wanting to just turn right back around and go back to bed. Life in Salt lake had it’s ups and downs but right now, I would give almost anything to be back…. Which is why I want to be back there by August. Good goal. Now, preparation and followthrough….